Adults Only: How to Get Profit from Poverty?

A limping beggar came to the end of the carriage where I was sitting. He sorrowfully asked for an apple, a piece of bread, or a small coin for food. Just after noticing that nobody cares about him, the man got healthy and went to the other side of the carriage in a hurry. Time is money, isn’t it!? How to fight against poverty will be written by others. I shall tell you what you can learn from those lazy cheaters.

Bender from Futurama

First level.
If you don’t feel poor enough, start with spirits. As my St. uncle said in a party, all one needed in life was a beautiful wife, kids, and Internet. That’s not for you. Lose everything. Return back your books to the library. Work slowly to get fired. Stop studying. Say “Fcuk off!” to your family. Increase the amounts of alcohol until you forget your targets in life and it loses its colors. Grumble, complain, curse, and shrink into yourself. There is no truth in life! You are not gifted and you will never reach anything. You have no high school education so you won’t get any job. No dreams will come true. Everything is hopeless. Only others are lucky (the fcuking capitalists and the heads of the government). All are selfish. Only alcohol is your true friend, relief, and relaxation. Only alcohol..

Second level.
Make use of your conditions. Register to Labor Exchange to get unemployment grants. Use water sparingly: don’t wash yourself and your cloths. You will look more miserable and will make others pity. Beg the passers-by. You can collect more in luxurious restaurants than at the entrance to a supermarket, but you have to hurry up. The security guys are always on the watch to catch you and to kick you out. Manipulate emotions. When asking for charity, mention an incurable disease and expensive medicament, or little hungry kids at home. Drop a tear: if a business man stays rigid, at least his wife will be deeply touched. Sometimes you can traverse the cafes with accordion playing a disgusting melody. The more bothering the melody is, the more money will be accumulated by the visitors of the cafe as they will all desire you to go away ASAP. In a few hours you can collect as much money as for bread and meat paste, as well as for a couple of vodka bottles which you can share with your new friends at the den of Misha.

Third level.
Exploit children. Have you got a baby? Go begging carrying him in your arms. Hungry and pooped baby will cry more and people will feel more sorry for him. Do you imagine what a treasure it is!? Is your kid of the age to go to school? The school will wait!.. Send him to beg. He will collect enough money for semolina porridge and daily bottles, as well as for your entertainment near the train station. The child should learn from life. Have you got more kids? The more you have, the more profitable it is. Large families get allowance. A dozen is not a limit – the elder children will take care about the younger ones. Soon you will manage to build an illegal device for home-made vodka in a forest and sell the product to your neighbors. But be careful! Too high profit might roll you down to the first level.

Bonus points.

  • Get a four-legged friend. You will have a faithful companion and also at least it will gain attention.
  • If you have a wound, don’t heal it and let it mortify. You can demonstrate your rotten leg at the entrance to a church and so you’ll collect even more money.
  • Thank and wish a good day even to people who don’t give you anything. Let them feel uncomfortable!

Such small changes can do that much..

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